Thanks for the replies.

We have talked about couples therapy, and I've said it as bluntly and honestly to her as I did here. Its an ongoing conversation as to why and how to change the pattern, and she's brought it up with her therapist.

I'm open to it, but communicating isn't whats holding me back. She's taking some steps (making lists/writing down outside her journal the conclusions of our conversations and working through things now so she can re-read and try to remember without the emotional weight of having to also go back and face other things she written down), so I'm working with her on that and waiting to see how that goes and if it can lead to more consistent follow through.

I've been doing a lot of reading on my current emotional state because I don't feel like past therapy sessions really helped me understand my reactions and feelings well. I think I've got my own issues that are exacerbating this that I don't really have a great grasp on. I apparently rank fairly high on the HSP tests while she's fairly low, which may explain some of the 'what i think is obvious why do i need to spell it out to her every time' issues are present, and some form or level of Rejection Sensitive Disphoria could explain a lot of my struggles all my life and why I seem to react so strongly to some things that I haven't been able to understand, but in retrospect can easily make sense if I'm interpreting that as rejection.

Having to face such frequent rejection and suppressing those feelings has left me bouncing between exhaustion and burnout strongly resembling anhedonia but I've been calling depressoion, loss of self confidence and increasingly less ability to moderate and distance my own actions from my emotions when they do.

At this point I probably should just seek therapy for myself.