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eskielover · Sep 07, 2021 at 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

This could be related to alexythemia (sp?) which is often associated with autism. It’s a difficulty in recognising one’s internal feelings.
Funnily enough I was just thinking this morning that there’s more to connection with others than spending a lot of time with them, but I’m struggling to know what. The people I’ve spent most of my time around (family, so pretty much nearly my whole life) I don’t feel very close to and I don’t know if I can fix that.

I don't know if it could be fixed or not either. My dad in his whole life never had a real closeness with anyone. My mom was the one who kept telling me that my dad loved me but there never was an outward sign. He died in 1989, long before high functioning autism was even ever diagnosed in the US (1994). My parents had no real friends they connected with (looking back). I didn't understand it growing up because what you live around becomes your normal & just observing others only gave me a glimpse that there seemed to be more. My mom I am sure was not on the spectrum but she had dysfunctional issues that pretty much created the same types of lack of connection. She died in 2005 & I finally left my husband in 2007 after 33 years of no emotional connection. Basically there was no one left in my life from the past to connect with except my daughter & we have actually improved that connection but I don't know how much improvement since we live over 1000 miles apart....much better than it was & there is much more of a connection. I think my problem was that I didn't fit into the environment I was surrounded by all my life & fought it rather than accept it which kept me at a distance too cause it is hard to connect with people you are constantly fighting against.

Starting a new fresh life at 54 was truly my only way to really start over & it let me find who I really am & what I am really like inside....I doubt I ever could have fixed the past even by fixing me