Hi everyone,
I hope everyone is doing well. Today has been fine thus far, I’ve not been awake too long. I took my low-dose Seroquel last night to help me get to sleep and stay asleep, and boy does it do its job lol. I slept well and woke up about 6:30, used the bathroom, and went back to bed until about 11:30am. No real plans for the day, just going to relax, maybe read, find something to keep my mind busy. I’ll figure it out as I go. I’m still really perplexed about my medicines right now. That is, the uneasiness emotionally/physically I feel a few hours after taking it, only to feel much better hour after. I don’t really have the words to describe it, but it’s definitely worth it if it works! The thing is kind of classical conditioning, I’m associating time/displeasure with it, and I kind start dreading having to take it. I’m making it out to be a bigger thing that it has to be – you got to prick your finger to read your blood sugar. You got to get a shot to have some thing administered. A little while of unpleasantness is something I’ll have to work around. I am hoping if a higher dose is needed later, it doesn’t exacerbate that though.
I really wish I did understand brain chemistry a lot better than I do. I find it really fascinating about how drugs work on the body. I’ve always had this problem where my interests are too varied and my focus is too broad lol. If I could redo my life, I might be a pharmacist, or a mathematician, or a pilot, or a lawyer, or a web developer, or a priest, or a taxicab driver…. You’re getting my point 😊.

My mind has been super focused on the better mood I have. It’s unlike anything I’ve experienced in a long time, and never by way of taking medicines. I honestly am still in amazement the improvement it’s caused thus far, when all else has more or less failed. It’s like I told my psychiatrist – my problems haven’t not changed but my whole outlook and perspective has, which in turn, changes every one of my problems. I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore. My medicines are tackling all issues I was experiencing, even if they aren’t so geared towards it, like anxiety. I know I sound like I’m peddling snake oil or a panacea, but for me, it’s made such a difference at this point. I’m just so relieved.

My diagnoses have been on my mind lately too. They constantly seem to evolve and change (this is natural in a lot of ways, as things develop/progress or change, or via differential diagnosis), but I never feel comfortable talking about, or asking about, them. My input should mean something, but at the end of the day, I’m not a professional in the field. Some people don’t like labels, some therapists are pretty adamant about, lets just do therapies that address your symptoms and concerns, leave labels for insurance/billing only. Personally, I like to feel I’m not alone. I like to realize; others can understand and deal with the same as me. Course, one-on-one therapy isn’t really where I’d find that. Label or not, a forum such as this, or friends, group therapy etc is where I may find more of that. But because criteria for disorders are vague and general, it’s kind of what makes it hard to sometimes see a fit, or to feel it represents the full picture of you. I guess I really wish I felt the full picture was presented more fully.

So, I guess in a way I am semi-obsessed with my mental health, but it’s positive at the moment. I’m reaching out for help – I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, I am taking meds, I’m trying to be a contribution and take benefit from this forum, for example. They are all steps into getting better. I do fixate on stuff, and delve deep. Usually, academic subjects or something new in my life… but for now it’s this. It beats the alternative I usually experience, anhedonia and inability to get out of bed. Right?

I do have some homework from my therapist I should probably get started on. I won’t see her for another two weeks though. I should take advantage of my positive moods and get a head start, it’ll even give me some time to reflect/think on it all and offer anything I can to the conversation.

Thanks for reading.
WtB