Sounds like both of them need a time-out ! It is not helpful for your husband to respond to your son's frustration like that - it seems to add fuel to a fire already burning hot. It is hard though not to react to whatever spews out of their mouths in the middle of a melt down. I've been there and while I hope not to be there again .. being the mom of a young teen boy, I know that there is a good chance I'll get to see meltdowns in the future. ugh

Can you coach your husband not to react to the meltdown ? My husband struggled with this as well but has really tried and continues to try and keep an even temper. It seems to me that when a young person starts to get dramatic, adults keeping a cool head seem to help the young person at least not get any more dramatic. And sometimes they can actually start to settle.

There is a book that I found helpful, "Speaking of Boys" by Michael Thompson, phD. There is a chapter on sons & fathers. Perhaps this will help ?