I've been on a benzo taper for eight months. I've reduced my dose by 90%. I like the increased alertness and energy and getting up early in the morning.
But i'm having trouble with aggression. I'm angry and irritable and have no patience and am easily frustrated. I let an eff-bomb fly at an annoying fellow shopper at the mall the other day, only the second time in my life i've said that oath at someone, the first being when i was 18 (55 now).
Today i lost it with customer "service" at Hellmart. The young man seemed to be being purposely dense in not understanding the transaction, until i finally shoved my hand under the plexi-glass barrier and held up three fingers for him in front of his face when he couldn't understand the word "three." He said he wouldn't serve me if i didn't calm down and we pressed on but i was only given a gift card.
I worry i'm going to get kicked out of the mall. "Barred" it's called and it's usually for a year. It would be very inconvenient. The security presence at the mall is disturbing. They even wear bullet-proof vests. It seems like a dangerous place with everyone ready to snap because of COVID and me on a benzo taper to add to the stress.
I got barred when this happened before at a mall in Kingston, Ontario when i argued with the cashier over a penny! I was in intense full-scale benzo withdrawal at that time from running out of meds when i moved there and couldn't find a doctor. I was barred for a year and with no other shopping close by and no idea of how to use public transit in that city, i moved back to my current city.
I somewhat regret my benzo taper. Being wide awake but in jail is no solution. I've emailed my doctor but it could be days before he gets back to me. I don't know if i should just accept and learn to manage the aggression or what. My dad was a rage-aholic so i come by it honestly.
I somewhat enjoy the broader range of feelings now that i'm 90% off benzos while at the same time being afraid of them. I enjoy the elation, of course and the increased energy but not the anger and frustration. I feel i am a danger to others which is new as i am usually a danger to myself.
I sort of prefer to be comfortably numb. Maybe it's just not a good time to do a benzo taper with COVID still winding down. IDK, maybe it's dumb to try and get off benzos at all at 55 after a 26 year addiction.
Just took 10mg Valium and 1mg Clonazepam to try and get some relief. My benzo taper is pretty well over unless my doctor comes thru with a miraculous solution. It's the first time i've taken Clonazepam in eight months.
Benzos are weird tho. You don't get immediate relief when you re-instate. It can be days to weeks. I'll just lay low for a while. I had wanted to start swimming with my neighbors but i've abandoned that for now. I'm not attending to my activities of daily living consistently, adding another project is just going to create another obstacle.
Weary and discouraged. Feel like i am in Hell.