Ok so I had my session. It did feel kinda awkward sitting across from him knowing what he’s seen, but not unbearable. He tried to reassure me that I don’t need to feel ashamed, but I def still feel ashamed haha. He also said that he would not refer me out for being impulsive, because impulsivity is a big reason why I’m in therapy. He did say that if the sexual thoughts are too strong to the point that I can’t focus, maybe it would be time to look at other options (like a new therapist), but he doesn’t think that’s necessary because I seem to only act overly sexual when I’m manic. He’s also concerned about me drinking alone. He said emailing him was probably the safest outcome that could have happened.

I think I messed up because I asked him what he thought of the nudes, and told him I was worried he found them ugly. He said he thought the opposite and then said when it comes to my negative perception of my body, he can now definitively say that my negative perception is wrong. Then he said I’m very very attractive. This made me feel good of course, but I feel like it also messes with my head kinda.

I think @Rive. might be right that his messages are ambiguous. On the one hand, he always says we’ll never ever have sex, but on the other hand, he responds to my overly sexual questions when I’m manic (which I know is my fault for asking) and tells me things like he’s aroused, he thinks about having sex with me, that I have an attractive body, that he’d want to see my nudes but it would be a bad idea, that having sex would feel “unbelievably good,” that he’s felt tempted at times when I’m coming on to him.

My brains hurts honestly. I hear everyone saying there are red flags, and at times I can see it, but most of the time I feel like everything is fine. I feel stuck, even though I know I could leave and get a new therapist any time. It’s like I’m too emotionally attached idk how to even begin to think about a new therapist.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk