I wish I could for once just sleep until 8AM. I went a bit crazy on the melatonin tonight. But taking my 180 mil of Geodon seems to be working out ok. I’ve been doing it for awhile. I just now asked my mom to hide my meds because I am not confident I won’t take anything else. My brother talks about Paul Walker a lot because he has the same birthday. I talk about Heath Ledger a lot since we have a lot in common with the sleep and meds. He was my age when he died. I need this surgery so badly because it will make me stable. Recovery will be hell mentally and physically. It will still take a couple months before I feel stable. I may regret getting it done and I’ll still have to work on things. But it will work out in the end and I am just so ready to do this.

So far I’m not feeling anything from the melatonin. I think I’m just going to throw it all out. I slept well in the hotel without taking any. So I know I can do it. My current therapist does work with people who have substance abuse issues. But when I tell her stuff, and I tell her everything. All she says is “hmmm. That’s not good.”