Thread: Roll Call 187
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SlumberKitty
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Default Sep 17, 2021 at 05:09 PM
 
Individual therapy with IOP T went okay. We discussed what happened last week and this week since she's seen me in detail, of course paying special attention to when I relapsed including the two hours before I relapsed. I've never had a T be that precise with it and want to know that kind of detail. Of course you wanted to see the wounds. I knew this would happen! I feel vulnerable and unprotected now that I showed you. I'm sure that I could have refused but IDK what kind of trouble I would be in if I refused and I am a people pleaser so I showed you. I never feel like it's bad enough. I know now that I should have done more. Of course she kept her response very clinical and gave me some advice on cleaning and taking care of the wounds which I know I just haven't given a flying **** about.

We talked about the verbal warning I got from R about the relapse and how next time it would be a written warning. And how that scares me enough that I don't think there will be a next time while I am in this program. Can't say about afterwards, but while I am in this program I have to abstain because I don't want another consequence. I forget the word she used, it wasn't protective factor but it was something like that. Like the consequence is a positive reinforcement or some such nonsense. The homework she gave me was hard but I did it and sent it back to her via email and she said, Well done and went on to say a few words about it. That was nice.

We talked about perfectionism and self care. And of course about the hallucinations. I don't know why she is more worried about the SH than she is the hallucinations. For me it is the other way around. She asked me if she was being empathetic enough and I told her she was doing a good job. She told me I'm delightful. That was kind. I told her that S is tough, the IOP therapist I have tonight. She's intense and she's tough. She doesn't put up with anything. I'm a bit scared of S actually and I know that her session will be intense.

We talked about shame. That was hard. I kind of feel myself getting attached to this T even after only two sessions. I'm like don't attach! You only have maybe a few sessions with her. She's just short term! I really wanted to hug her which was impossible as we were on Zoom and she was at her house and I was at work. But I had that urge to hug her. Odd.

I guess it was a good session. I feel overwhelmed and a bit shaky.

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