Things are a step towards better on the meds front. If my pnurse's appeal doesn't work out, they have a sample of invega sustenna I can have in a couple weeks. I picked up my vraylar and invega pills too after a nurse from my cmhc basically spent 10 minutes explaining how to get them/where to go. I have to switch pharmacies to one I don't like because I guess they're better for insurance reasons. They're only open 9-5 M-F closed for an hour in the middle for lunch break, and they don't have the space to hold meds so you basically get there and say "I need my thorazine" and you wait like half an hour. If there's anybody ahead of you, you'll be waiting a while. Half of the staff is nice, but the other half are super rude.

I've been feeling awful about myself today. I went to the park early this morning and saw 5 other people scattered about. I slept with 3 of them (it is a fairly small town by the way). Maybe my dad's right and I am a slut. I sure feel like one right now.

I have therapy later today. I need to discuss my eating desperately. I've been averaging ~500 calories a day. Yesterday was way under that and I couldn't get myself to have any sorta food or even an ensure after I realized how little I ate. At least today I had half a protein bar so far. I saved the other half for tomorrow. I know I need to eat but I'm terrified of gaining weight and honestly I'm not afraid of organ damage I kinda want that. I feel like the past 12 years I've just been trading one unhealthy habit for another. Even though I have tons of coping skills and healthy habits and use them, that's worth nothing when you don't feel worthy of a good quality of life. I was once told I need to see a trauma specialist for **** like that, but I refuse to call what I went through as trauma when other people have had it way worse. My current therapist won't call it trauma, and she hates when I bring it up. The lady that evaluated me didn't call it trauma either. They probably think it's just one of my delusions.