I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

For the first question, I definitely feel that can be possible to be both sad and numb, as I've experienced it a few times--including something going on with me now. I don't really want to go into the current thing right now. But I've felt it before with the loss of some people I was close to, whether through death or just them leaving my life (like a breakup).

I feel like it's self-protective in a way, our minds trying to keep us from really feeling things that could really hurt. In my experience, it tends to then come out in other ways, like then I have what seems like an extreme reaction to something that is relatively minor in comparison.

An example that jumps to mind is my not reacting that much to my grandmother's death in...I don't know 2013? 2014? Because I loved her very much and had been close to her (though she declined quite a bit in her last few years, so maybe I'd already mourned her in a way?). But then reacting really intensely to learning of the death of my former marriage counselor's wife a year or two later. And she was someone I had never met. I think it's like I experienced that loss in the way I feel I *should* have felt that of my grandmother. Like displaced sadness.

Sort of like if you start sobbing at a movie or a song, and it feels really intense. Like, where did that come from? It's probably emotions you were holding in.

It could also be that you're coping better.