I’ve been contemplating sharing thoughts with my therapist about this but wondered if anyone else with BPD has similar thoughts.
For the most part I very much dislike people mostly strangers and acquaintances but especially if I feel they’ve upset me or misunderstood me in anyway. The way they move, talk, eat, speak, smell annoys me a lot. I don’t desire to interact with strangers or anyone who is not what I call grandfathered into my life. Sometimes I have to interact with strangers or college administrators etc.
I don’t have a job right now because lately I’ve been even more agitated being around people.
Sometimes after interacting with strangers or acquaintances who I’ve had an upsetting interaction with I think about emotionally torturing them by stalking them and calling them and scaring them. Sometimes I think about kidnapping them and just being verbally abusive to them and not feeding them. I enjoy these thoughts.
I’m a fairly small female so I wouldn’t actually be able to kidnap anyone and I know right from wrong. I also wouldn’t actually want to deal with the stress of covering up a kidnapping I just like to have the thoughts I don’t want to act on them.
Sometimes I look up addresses of people like in the college admin or an employer I interviewed with and I look at their houses on Google maps so I can get a better visual of stalking them. I like that I can look up peoples addresses and they have no idea that I’m doing it. I get it’s creepy but I still like it [emoji2372]
Anyway my utter despise for others is affecting my ability to work so I guess I have to figure this out. Not sure if this is a BPD thing but I don’t really fit the criteria for anything else and my current therapist is still agrees with the formers that I have BPD with paranoia. I haven’t shared this part yet because I feel like I’ll get locked up or something but I’m likely going to tell her because she seems like she can handle hearing some creepy stuff and not freak out.
Anyone else feel this?
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