I think my therapist wants me IP. I told her yesterday in email that I had taken my night meds at 2:30 so I can numb my anxiety. She replied back in email and said that I’m abusing my meds. Then I took 50mil of melatonin and a Benadryl and I fell asleep around 6. Around 7:30AM I replied back to my therapists email from last night and I told her I’d take the 11 slot. My mom and I had to stop at the mechanics for a couple hours and I was sitting about 2 feet away from an unmasked lady who kept playing with her feet. I just turned my back to her the whole time and I had my KN95 mask up to my eye lids.

But then on my way to therapy I got a call about setting up my Covid test. So I set that up for Tuesday morning. And I don’t have to quarantine. But I still haven’t heard about insurance. And I’m really stressing about that. So in therapy I guess I was a bit more honest then I should have been. And I told her about the melatonin and Benadryl. She kept saying “I’m going to call mom and tell her about your med situation.” And I kept freaking out that she was going to call the police to my house. And I kept saying “don’t call the cops” and she was just silent. I don’t know. She’s blue lives matter while I’m…not. On Facebook her profile picture says “back the blues. Blue lives matter.” So maybe she didn’t like my attitude about the police and that’s why she wasn’t saying anything?

When I left I asked her what she was going to do next and she said “either call mom or see my next client.” So after my appointment I hid out at a restaurant the way I did the last time this happened with transference T. I chose the same restaurant too.

Ive been home for about 20 minutes and so far no ambulance has shown up and my mom hasn’t been called. I gave my mom a heads up and told her that my T was going to call her about my med situation. I mean. My mom does know about this stuff.

But today I am super down and tired. I think it’s because of the weather and also because I am so anxious about my insurance. I have this headache which I think may be the weather and my heart has been racing ever since that med situation last night with the melatonin and Benadryl. I’m not all that anxious though right now. I had a mug of tension tamer tea instead of going straight for the Valium like I normally would after a stressful day.

But there was a noticeable difference in how I went into therapy today and how I came out. I was almost manic like my entire session. Now I’ve just crashed physically and emotionally and I feel defeated.