Dear T,

I am sat here pondering life tonight. For the first time since that last session I am feeling a real sense of calm, and am thinking maybe I take this as an opportunity. An opportunity to change, to learn, to grow, to be more me. Figuring out what is important, what can and should be brought closer and what else from my life can be let go. I said in my final email to you that I know in my heart now that I need to let you go, but also I know that you will forever live on in it, and you replied saying that I would always live on in yours too. And I think your picture from the Charlie Mackesy book was telling me that I am loved, by you. I will never let you go as a person, T, even though I am gently letting you go as a counsellor. I do believe in fate, as you know, and will still hold on to some hope that one day, off in the future, (possibly by my intervention if I have anything to do with it) our paths may cross again, and until that point, I can still talk to you internally. Your voice inside of me will never disappear. (and I can still talk to you here, no-one can stop me doing that (I don't think) so to all readers, sorry in advance!)

My pondering led me to ask, who am I now, in my name. I still have my ex husbands name, you see, but I no longer belong to that name. Neither do I belong to my maiden name. I am a different person now, a completely different person. I have talked about taking my new partner's surname, but something is holding me back from doing that, and as of yet I don't know what it is. I was trying to think of new name. What name would be right for me. Apart from xxx The Great, I couldn't really come up with anything! Honestly, the answer is probably just my first name. Do I even have to have a 'last name'. Officially, the answer is no, you don't. That's interesting isn't it! And then I got to thinking, could I take your surname. I know... that's weird. But at the same time it feels oddly right, right now. You helped to shape me in a way that no-one has ever helped to shape me before.

Hahaha. Just been online to a random surname generator, and I had to laugh out loud! I could be xxxx Verona or xxxx Braun or xxxx Love, xxx Shultz, xxx Bellerose, lol, the list goes on and on, but none seem fitting. Who am I? I guess taking my partner's surname is probably the best option, but only because it is the most sensible option. But I am not sensible. I have never been sensible. Being true to myself would be to do the crazy thing. This is the person who moved 300 miles away from home as a teenager because that's where the pin landed. This is the person who managed to get a job in Wales while we were on holiday once because I decided I fancied living there, then had to scramble to find somewhere to live before we went back home. This is the person who joined the Navy on a bit of a whim because time was running out to join and because I thought it might be interesting to give it a go. This is the person who signed up to swim the Solent having never really swum in the sea before. I don't really do sensible. As someone said to me only yesterday "you have always been kind, headstrong and done things your way..." and honestly, I think her words have really got me thinking!

Letting you go actually means I can start to take some control over my life again, it feels. These last few months have been tortuous, and I don't want to be caught up in all of that anymore. I want to go back to being that kite, flying high above the clouds, just like I remember that summer was when we were in a really good place in our work together. I can make that happen, I know I can, and I know you would be proud of me for doing so.

I will always love you T, always.