Wow I feel seriously on edge today. I've been sitting here (at work) doing some breathing exercises. Trying to will in some peace and breathe out the anxiety. I have therapy today with the individual T from IOP--J and I think I am looking forward to that. She's tough on me but I do like her. It's so hard to be told that I cannot SH or I might get kicked out of IOP. At the same time J is telling me to go to the hospital if I feel like SH-ing (I would have to live there because I have too many urges) but I am afraid of being put IP so I cannot go. So I am stuck with breathing exercises. Yesterday I texted a hotline and that kind of helped. And I texted some friends and that kind of helped. IOP last night was interesting. It was more on drug/alcohol recovery but I tried to take what I could from it. Tonight I don't know who is leading IOP. It is supposed to be S but she was only there for half of Monday's session so I don't know if she will be there tonight. I hope she is. She's tough but she is good with me.