I'm having some hard time as of lately with my therapist (sorry for a long post, English is not my native tongue).

I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, and loneliness for the past 8 years. I also have avoidant/dependant personality disorders which makes me a pain to deal with.

I've been seeing one of the best therapists in my town for the last 3 years. Sometimes, everything was great. I felt validated and supported. The next time I was denied the same feelings. I would come with a clear idea of what I wanted to discuss on a session and she would tell me "I won't talk about this". Her common complaint was that she felt as if I came to therapy because I needed a friend and she would very strict about setting boundaries.

Things changed for worse during the pandemic. At that time, I tried to meet a girlfriend for about 2 years. My therapist told me that most girls will never like me because of my short height, so I'd need to find a miniature girl.

After another failed online dating attempt, my therapist suggested me to invite my colleague for a date (I liked her but never dreamed she could like me in return). I was to surround her with friendly care and win over her love. The first step was to present her some fruits. The girl refused. So my therapist told me to stop seeing this girl and accept the fact that I’ll never have a family of my own. She advised me to start dating a chatbot (as Japanese guys who understand they’ll never be good enough for a real girl). Lastly, she said that science is impotent In my case and forwarded me to another therapist (whom she doesn't respect at all, so she basically dumped me).

I haven't seen her in about 3 months. When I returned to my therapist, it felt as if everything went back to the good old days. I felt wonderful during those visits. She supported me and said that even if this girl started dating another guy, there was still hope.

And then was the last visit. She refused to give the advice I asked her. Instead, the therapy was about dispelling my illusions. She told me this girl clearly doesn't want to do anything with me (and I understand that the girl doesn't love me but my therapist wouldn't listen to any objections). She told me that I need to accept that I have no friends, that people I like don't give a damn about me. She ended the session by saying that I should focus on earning more money as money is the only attractive thing about some people.

For the last 3 years, I thought that the whole point of my therapy was to get rid of my schizoid tendencies - to hook up with people at all costs. Turns out, it's the opposite. She said that when I feel bad, I shouldn't tell anybody or go through therapy. I should quietly deal with it on my own to become stronger.

This last time I came to her in a pretty good mood only to be completely and utterly destroyed. And I paid a ton of money to get devastated. At this point, I'm asking myself why am I doing this? For the past 3 years, my therapist have been telling me that she's making a therapy group, specially for me. 3 years have passed and there's still no sign of this mythical therapy group. I feel worse and less confident than before starting the therapy.

And that girl that clearly doesn't want anything to do with me? Since then, we had several deep conversations that lasted for hours upon hours. It's clear she doesn't love me or anything like but she still opened up a lot and I'm very grateful to her for that. Unfortunately, she's moving away and I won't be able to see her.

So, I'm kinda at a crossroads. It's autumn and I feel bad and lonely but have no desire to return to therapy. I have no friends or anyone to talk to. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for listening!