It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Life has been crazy.
I am 2years and 10months into working with awesome T. For the most part things have gotten quieter with him. Most sessions are spent curled up on his couch with a blanket and/or stuffy often slowly relaxing, unfiurling and sliding down to lay on the couch. If I ask he will sit beside me and put his arm around me or hold my hand. At first I found feeling safe and relaxed really unsettling and would trigger or startle but it is becoming more familiar. I am struggling with a lot of shame right now that he gently challenges. T is self disclosing a lot about his struggles with shame both past and present. A self disclosure a few weeks ago made it very real that he is human with just as much potential as anyone else to harm me… then the peace of knowing that I am important enough to him for him to make absolutely sure that never happens within this relationship. I feel better knowing he could hurt me but loves me enough not to as opposed to my earlier belief that he was so different that he was incapable of doing harm.
Art T (T2) and I have been working together about 4 sessions after having tried last year and having it be an utter disaster. Our first session we talked about/processed a fabric collage I did for my other T. We did too much but when I said I needed to stop we did. She has gotten much more sensitive about my limits. The next session we started projects together and I discovered she is a lot more calm if she is making art too. We were able to talk about my being very controlling of our sessions because I was trying to make it safe for me to engage her. So far we have only been meeting when I can afford her on top of regular T so it was pretty infrequent. I finished the project art T and I started and tried to process it with T but didn’t feel safe enough. Last session art T and I were able to process it. I was feeling super vulnerable so she sat beside me on the couch and put her arm on my leg. When it got really uncomfortable she put her arm around me and let me lean into her. She asked if I just wanted to be quiet and breathe for the rest of session so we did. I was really stiff and unsure but it helped me feel more safe and secure. I had sent her an email about where my boundaries were around personal space and touch because in a previous session she was afraid she would get too close and scare me. She had also talked to T about how he uses touch with me and how I respond to it. So she knew everything she did last session I would be OK with and that if I wasn’t I would tell her or move away. It was a really big session. Having her touch me without us ever talking about it face to face, without any hesitation… like it was just totally normal was very freeing, challenges a lot of beliefs and helped me feel more calm and secure with her.
Awesome T continues to move towards retirement and has a lot of travel plans over the winter. He will still be available for phone/video sessions which I am sure I will take him up on. Mostly while he is gone though I think I will be happy to be working with art T. She kind of has a nurturing big sister vibe going on right now that feels comfortable.
T and art T are talking a lot more this time. Art T uses T for supervision so they know each other well. It was a little scary last session with art T learning that T told her that he holds me and told her about my younger parts. Once the initial panic and shame passed it felt good. Knowing that T trusts her to be safe knowing those things about me and knowing that she waited until the right time to use the information helped me feel less shame and feel more comfortable with her.
Now no therapy for two weeks as I change jobs… but then I have Pdoc, T and art T scheduled for the same day as soon as I could .