I am so sorry that you had such an abusive childhood. I didn't know my father, and my mother was physically and verbally abusive......and also grew up in poverty (no car, refrigerator, phone, tub or shower) in a 120-year old tenement house, molested, etc.... no matter how bad our parents are/were we always usually want their love....sadly, abusers hate them selves and have no love to give to their children.....sometimes family are the people who care about us. Have you considered therapy? Writing a journal also can be valuable......the abuse had nothing to do with who you were, and everything to do with the issues of the abuser, sadly as children we do not know that and take on THEIR blame and shame/issues...I think that understanding is the key to having the life you want.....I know how difficult getting those old thoughts out of our heads.