Hi Unaluna!
It sounds like our early experiences were similar. My mother only touched me when basic care required it and then often found a way to make it painful. She also forbid anyone else in my life from touching me. If I got close to anyone she would forbid them from seeing me or we would move away. It really upset T to hear.
In the past I had worked with a massage therapist and a T to try and work through some of it. The massage therapist was wonderful with me and it helped me learn about experiencing touch. I’ve been told a thousand times by T’s that “you need to learn to get your needs met outside of therapy” but no amount of massage therapy separate from therapy would do what having T and art T hold me and use touch with me does.