Oh, PJ's....

My parents too, did not go in for comforting us or hugging us when we were upset and crying. My Dad was better at hugging than my Mom was, but neither one of them were heroes at it. We ALWAYS got told to stop crying and sit up straight and catch our breaths and stop fussing. There was never any good advice or much listening to us. And forget actual sympathy, support, validation, or understanding. It was, "Stop your crying and get on with things". Fairly heartless, on their part.

It is NEVER a good thing to lie to a child regarding their birth, or to make a child feel as if they are somehow guilty of causing permanent lasting damage to a parent. The only woman I knew who behaved this way had a borderline personality disorder, and was pretty much a career liar and manipulator. She managed to do a lot of damage to her children, over time. Is there a chance your mother was walking around undiagnosed?

Spanking, especially without a 'hearing' beforehand, and too swiftly and blindly administered, can really damage a child. Your stepfather was very wrong to have engaged in this.

It's very sad that your brother acted-out at your expense. Sibling abuse is very real and is only recently being taken seriously, even by the field of psychology and by professional counsellors. I am so sorry you had to endure ANY violence from him.

Wow, the way your mother spoke to you was profoundly thoughtless, and cruel. It is never a child's fault for being born, for being raised. You have had to put up with an awful lot of meanness from people who really should have known better.

Her making an issue of of your weight is something I can relate to. (She was very wrong to ever do it.) It is rather a miracle I have never developed an eating disorder. If I showed you photos of how thin we all were as kids, you would be shocked. Because, as soon as I hit puberty, my mother announced, at the dinner table, that if I had seconds, and continued to eat the 'way ' I did (which was normal, actually; I never over-indulged in any type of food; it simply wasn't possible in our house), that I would turn into a pig. Yes. She said that to me. And we all looked like little scarecrows! Imagine, the insensitivity and mistaken priorities that would make a mother speak to her child that way. I am sorry you went through something like this, too. Horrifying.

I went through the same kind of deprivation of normal teenage stage desires---It's very normal for girls to want to fit in with others, experiment with makeup and clothes, and feel pretty. Mom kept me in silly-looking, frumpy stupid things, and makeup was not even a possibility. She cut and permed my hair in old-fashioned styles and I couldn't buy things I liked, even with my own money. I wanted to die. I was tortured for it all at school, and was labelled a nerd for life. And to add insult to injury, she NEVER believed me about where I was going or who I was going with; which is ironic, because it was actually my younger sister who was the liar in the family, and she was forever telling tales and pulling the wool over my parents' eyes, even at an age 2 year's younger than me. I had never lied to my parents once. But I was punished with groundings and meal-less nights, even so---completely unfounded and unfair, based simply on suspicion.

I despise the way some people use "Christianity" to manipulate or abuse people. It happened to me, and I understand your hurt. A REAL Christian would never dream of closing a door on a young person who was looking for advice, never.

After reading about your young adult years, I feel compelled to tell you that I think you are unbelievably strong and resourceful individual. You are also RIGHT to have eliminated the toxic ones from your orbit, because (believe me!) they are NOT EVER GOING TO CHANGE. I spent years of my life trying to be kind to the ones who had hurt me, and it never ended well for me. Only my Father and I were able to truly reconcile, after I moved home to help out with my disabled sister, and he managed to get himself sober. (My Mom had died earlier on, in my twenties, and she did make some overtures to me to try and mend what she'd done wrong all those years---but we certainly did not have enough time to really do that. She was gone before we actually came clean to one another, & able to truly fix things.)

I hope that you are now surrounded only with helpful and supportive people. And that you take care of yourself, because believe me, you DO matter! I think your open letter to your parents will help people feel as though they are not alone.

Thank you for sharing your letter, and for being so brave as to explain what you have been through. I wish you compassion and balance in your path ahead.