I'm posting here because I figure it may be easier or more helpful for people who have had a problem with alcohol or loved someone with a problem with alcohol to understand.

Here it is.........9:00 PM EST. My boyfriend called me earlier and told me he may stop by to see me tonight. Not only did he not stop by.....he has not returned the two phone calls I made to him. That in itself is a tell tale sign that he has picked up a beer somewhere, began to drink, and is not able to stop. For the first time in my life, with Mark, I have found an incredible connection and a love that at almost 30, I am sure I have never experienced before. Not to say it can't happen again but to be deeply and madly in love with someone sure is nice. To have someone understand you and know you the way he does me.

My therapist and I have been working through some codependency issues and I've been reading a book based on some Al-Anon ideals so I know calling him a third time will do no good and have no positive effect. My heart is heavy and I am sad. I feel very alone and very betrayed. I sit here and think about ever seeing him with another woman and him running the bars drinking and it pains me but, I also know - there is nothing I can do about it and I cannot continue to torture myself this way..........at all costs.

He is an alcoholic and he is not recovering. I am angry but I do not want him to see my anger. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I hate the turmoil. It is constant.........even at a month and a half break between instances..........it's too tiring.

I've had enough and I don't know how the hell I'm going to get through this break and move on.

Thanks for letting me sound off.........love to you all.

I'm still sober, and I'll continue to be that way.