I’m losing it. I’m so thankful we’re having such a small wedding. I think I’d be a crumpled ball on the floor If it was a big wedding with a traditional reception and drinking and dancing and toasts and cake cuttings and whatnot. I had my grandma call the restaurant for me today and confirm the guests and menu, I just absolutely could not do it without panicking.

It’s because I’m very upset and scared about getting married. It’s not about RS at all. He’s a gem. And I don’t want to leave him. It’s just that once we’re married it’s permanent and will very difficult to extract myself from if things go downhill. Things for me and my first husband took a nosedive straight off a cliff within a few months of being married. Actually it was as soon as my son was born. The incident of abuse took place less then six weeks after he was born and he was such a difficult baby, then my mental health spiraled and my first husband’s behavior became more intimidating and angry toward me (it already had been but I think once we were married he “had me” and subconsciously thought he could say or do whatever). Within a year of getting married I started self harming again and he picked up a drug problem and it just got worse and worse until he died.

I never could have divorced him even if I had ever thought it was an option, he would have been furious and we’d have gone through a bitter and acrimonious process and I’m sure he would have tried to take my son from me permanently.

RS has never shown any sign of being potentially angry or abusive. I’m not worried about having a baby because we are 100% NOT having one. It’s just getting married. I’m not happy at all, not at all. And worse, I’m the one who wanted it in the first place! He did too, of course, but I was the one who suggested we get married sooner. But he was totally on board, I definitely didn’t pressure him into anything. Of course I did not know I would feel this way.

I’m sorry, this post really isn’t bipolar related. On chemical mood management I’m doing well. Haven’t had to use seroquel for sleep in six weeks and it is awesome. I’m able to jump right up at 6:30 without hitting snooze. Not For lack of wanting, I still don’t like getting up early, but it is better now that I’m not drugged to sleep!