Dear Ex T,

What words of wisdom would you give me here I wonder? What plan would we have come up with together? How would I approach this if I had you helping me to figure it out?

How do I feel? Nervous. I feel nervous, because I have tried so hard to find someone to work with. I have contacted so many different people and not one seems to be right for me. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want to 'scare her off'. I want her to want to work with me, I think, for two reasons. One, because it feels like my last chance. Like the last apple from the tree and you are just hoping that this one isn't a rotten one. Two, because I am hopeful. Hopeful because Old T seemed to think this one would be a good fit for me. She seemed to inherently 'get' me like no one ever has. Not even you understood me like Old T did. Right from day one, she just got it, and so I do trust her judgement here. Old T is also a very experienced T and I don't believe that she would just put me with anyone. (That said her last go at finding someone for me, all those years ago, was a complete disaster, even she saw that afterwards!)

So I am feeling hopeful too. Cautiously hopeful. But nervous. It's only natural to be nervous I guess. Maybe she will be nervous too? And I guess it is only natural to be hopeful too, given how this has all gone down and given how hard I have tried to find someone and how long it has been now. But I am not sure that these feelings being natural really helps me. It isn't the feelings I am having a problem with....

What are you struggling with then?

I am struggling with HOW TO DO THIS!?!?!? With the others it seemed easier, maybe because I wasn't so hopeful. Maybe I had known all along that none of them were right, so I didn't have this problem. I don't know how to explain that. Whilst I know that letting someone get to know me is what I need and therefore what I want, I still hate the thought of it. If I know I am not going to let them get to know me, things are easier. Knowing that they may be the first person to ever hear me talk about these things is terrifying. Because that makes the prospect of talking about them real. And that is hard. I don't want to do that, even though I know I need to and therefore I want to. It's that internal fight that you so often witnessed.

I haven't answered her questionnaire. I tried writing instead, but I either end up with nothing or a 10 page essay. Neither of which sound right. I tried to find what I had written for the other people I saw but (maybe fate played a part here) I can't find it on my computer.

This one seems different. She needs her own writing, but nothing is right. Ok, calm down, focus. Does she need to see anything at all?........

Something to think about and something to come back to. I am tired and starting to panic.