Had another horrible night last night, woke up at 3 so anxious and ready to be done. I did take an extra dose of meds again, and managed to get back to sleep eventually. This morning I feel more hopeful. I guess this is my new dose of meds, which I'm not happy about increasing the dose, but grateful there's something to quiet my crazy brain, and allow me to sleep.
I don't feel suicidal so much during the weekday morning and afternoons, my mood usually lifts somewhat. It's during the late evenings and then again early mornings. I know what's triggering it, just no options, that I can see to change the situation. So glad I get those breaks from the really really dark states of mind, but just wish I had someone in real life to be a sounding board, maybe have some advice for me. Someone who was more aware of my choices and options and what help is available. There are some numbers to call, I may get the courage to call one day, maybe help me make a 5 year plan for getting out of this situation - that could bring me a bit of hope.