id like to be underweight again. but I traded AN for binge eating disorder. now that I'm no longer exercising the binging is calming down. still there but on a smaller scale. the mental hunger is out of control. now that I'm no longer exercising I have no goal in life and I'm very depressed. exercise was the only "healthy" outlet where I could push myself hard with "positive" outcomes. Although I may have an unhealthy relationship with exercise. Who knows?

seems like the only goal now in life is to get underweight again. If I can. I wonder if my eating issues caused my injuries that have stopped me exercising. If I permanently damaged my body. My insurance sucks. My doctor's appt is in freakin January so that won't address any of my current injury issues. I hate myself.

Going home in December and feeling pressure to lose weight before going back. Trying not to restrict too much because I don't want to binge. I'm tired of this.