I was gonna take a KPIN.. So much irritability because I had recurring payments on my visa for months that I didn't know about and it's so hard to get rid of them.. + Waking up early for work, showering and general hygiene, cleaning the litter box, taking out the garbage, charging my watch, making my bed.. All of these things I do every day.. And I have to deal with my thoughts + Putting every item in their places.. It's a way of control or something.. When I have panic attacks, I freak out because I can't put things in their places..

I thought about taking an SSRI again.. Cuz psilocybin just gives me depersonalization/derealization.. Although SSRI's do the same thing..

I wanted to make goals to enhance neuroplasticity/neurogenesis because it's the most important thing based on how my mind was broken and crystalized/depressed without change.

I put on a 10 minute Headspace meditation video. 5 minutes through it, I felt the same and then it got progressively better for the last 5 minutes.

Writing this out is a pain but I have to do it to explain and organize my mind.

I feel so uncomfortable that it's killing me.

I feel better writing this out though.. It's like I'm forcing my mind to do things while thinking about traumatic memories all day. Sometimes I don't even remember the right memories. I have memories about a week ago that I think happened yesterday and ****. It's ****ed.