In Session Today:

I thought we would talk about my emails, which we did in a round about way but not about the pictures I sent with the emails which I had a lot of feelings about. Actually she was kind of remiss because she didn't ask me about SH, she didn't ask me about SI, she didn't ask me about anxiety until the end. I told her my depression levels were up. And then about halfway through I mentioned the SI. So she made sure I had a plan in place to not act on those thoughts. So that's good.


We talked about me needing to be able to trust me that I can meet my emotional needs. I am a little lost on that. I'm not sure how to do that. I usually go to others for what she calls external validation but she wants me to get internal validation. So just like I know I can handle any physical problems I may have, she wants me to know I can handle any emotional problems I may have. Um. Isn't that why I'm in therapy, because I can't handle all these emotional problems I have? So I am like, really confused about all of that.


I'm not feeling well today physically. I think I have a cold but I am getting a covid test tomorrow to make sure it isn't covid. I think it is a cold because my niece had a cold when she came to visit us and she tested negative for covid so I think I have what my niece had. It's mild. But it's irritating. I can feel it in my chest and my nose and my ears. So that doesn't make me feel good either and it is probably adding to the depression that I am feeling.


I'm really stuck on how I am supposed to meet my emotional needs though. I have no idea what she's talking about. In that respect it was kind of frustrating. I'm also a little bit sad we didn't discuss the pictures I sent (of my SH scars) because it was very shameful for me to reveal them to her (we do Zoom so she hadn't seen my arms much) and I didn't get to process that shame.