My husband got home late from work...really late. I was sleeping, but got up to comfort the little one who is teething. I talked to him earlier on in the evening, and he said he was running behind, but as I was also a restaurant manager for ten years, I know there's a missing hour, maybe more. I know if I ask him about it, he'll have some "plausible excuse", he always does.

We are separated, and I guess what he does really isn't my business is it? I went looking into his email account (how I discovered he was looking for another online "fling") after he went to bed tonight, and found a week old deleted email from "Adult Friend Finder", with his account name on it. I have been crying ever since.

He has professed to wanting this new "totally open and honest" friendship with me, but I still feel like I don't even know him. How can someone say they love you, and yet go looking for other women to have relationships with? Whenever I've told him there's no way he can really love me, he's always said I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, but his actions say otherwise. But the last time he had a "email/phone fling" (which had been going on for months when I did discover it), I read some of the things he wrote to her, and it sounded like all the things he has said to me in the past (although I don't know that he told her he loved her). This time I think I caught him before he had started a new relationship, but who knows how far it would have gone?

My husband has done so many things in the last 5 years (we've been together for 6 1/2) that I never thought he was capable of when I married him. Once again, his new found "open communication" that started when I caught him this time has waned, and I feel like we're back to "his/hers" lives. I hate that I'm stuck living with him until after this baby comes, I think everything would hurt alot less if I didn't have to see him everyday.

I keep asking myself why I can't have the kind of love I want...where a man loves me with every fiber of his being. A man who shares his life, his thoughts, his feeling, and wants to share mine. One who will take care of me, and think I am the most special person he's ever known. One I can trust, who won't hurt me, who will make me feel safe. Why can't I have that?!!