Well today's session with my (Potential New) T went so much better than last week. For starters I made it to the chair in the beginning rather than getting stuck standing in the corner for 10 minutes unable to move or turn around and look into the room. At least I didn't start off feeling like a lunatic. We had had some back and forth via email this week which helped I think. I think I helped her to see that this needed time and patience, and I told her that I really don't want to feel forced into answering anything that I don't feel safe or comfortable answering and I don't want to feel pressured into committing to anything right yet. I am still very much testing the waters here.

She started off by talking, no idea what she was saying though to be honest. She asked if she was rushing by talking and I said that sometimes it takes time, despite my body having entered the room, for my mind to enter the room too. It always has. Even after five years with Old T there were times when it would take me a few minutes of just sitting to feel present.

I don't remember a great deal of the session, even though we had an hour and a half, but I certainly remember a lot more than last week. A lot more. I showed her a picture in my art journal. A picture of how it felt when she asked those questions in her email. I remember telling her how difficult I had found replying to that, and how, had that been five years ago, I don't think she would have ever seen me ever again. I told her how I had written three responses to her in total, but only one felt right to send, and that was the one that didn't answer the questions, but that explained why I didn't feel I could right now. She seemed accepting of my need to hold my boundaries, and she did seem to have let go of the requirement for that clinical information, for now. I am sure I will give it to her in time, if we continue in the way today went, but it has to be on my terms.

She looked at the wrong picture though, interestingly. She looked at the picture which was trying to explain the lifecycle of me. How I was growing, then shattered, then built a shell, which disappeared and left nothing, then slowly growing a real core again. I didn't explain it, but maybe I will.

I showed her half of the ten page letter that I wrote before we met last week. She read it out loud as I requested. I was/am grateful that she read it out loud. It makes it so much more real for me. To hear my words read by another person. I can hear them too then, and take them in. She has kept it, she asked if she could, and I wonder whether she will read it again. I didn't show her the second half... not quite ready for that yet.

We talked a bit about my Teenage One. What she needs. I don't know the answer to that question. We talked a bit about her maybe needing something different to Ex T. I think there may definitely be something in that. Fate... I definitely believe in fate. How all of this came about at the time that it did. Just as I had faced the wall and was ready. Maybe Ex T was the right person for Little One, and the right person to take me on the journey to where I could face the wall and survive, but maybe she isn't/wasn't the right person to venture past the wall with me. In my last session with Ex T she said that I deserved someone who had the energy to match Teenage One. Someone who could really give her what she needed.

We talked about anger a little. I showed her what I had written about my realisations recently, that my anger with Ex T served little purpose now as she was unable to see me, hear me or understand me at the moment. She simply has too much going on in her life right now. How I had realised that I didn't want to hurt her anymore than she was clearly hurting or hurt myself by getting consumed by these feelings. How I had realised that my feelings are possibly more rooted in the past than I had first seen, and that maybe I can use that energy going forwards.

Just writing this now, I realise another reason why emails are so important for me. It is because I don't remember most of what she says in the session. It took me years before I got to the point where I could truly hear Ex T, and I wonder if a similar thing may be going on. I even used to record our sessions because it seemed pointless otherwise! With the emails I have things written down. I am glad that she has agreed to use email with me, but not so keen that she will charge me for them. We have agreed on half an hour a week. I guess it makes it clear, and fair, and at least I will know that she is going to actually sit, read, digest and respond properly. That it won't be rushed. That it will be considered and (hopefully) helpful. I guess we just see how we go!

We talked a bit about how I find it so difficult to share my story if I don't feel able to tell the whole story. This manifests itself in my life so much, not just in therapy. I often don't share things, or communicate with people, because I don't know how to start if I don't think I will be able to tell them everything. It's complicated but I think she got it. I did feel understood today, which was nice. I didn't leave feeling like the lunatic of last week.

Back to Teenage One and what she needed. T mentioned the 'reparenting' word. I am not sure how I feel about that right now. I am not sure how Teenage One feels about that right now. Something to sit with maybe. She said that she sensed a lot of fear coming from Teenage One. I said that once I had drawn the lion (which she said seemed ferocious) I noticed how tired the lion looked. I got the picture out again to look at and I froze. Just sat there staring at the lion and I heard the words "do I really need to go through this again - do I really need to protect all of this again". Frozen. I couldn't move, couldn't think. It was as if she was saying "I can't do it all again" (tiredness) but yet there she was fighting to stop me sharing any of it. It reminded me of a child fighting sleep. Exhausted and barely keeping their eyes open but desperate not to succumb to it.

I remember feeling like I wanted to disappear. Get out of there. I had shared too much and I didn't know what to do about that. So I just sat there. She asked me what was going on for me. She asked me if there was anything the lion wanted to say to me, or anything I wanted to say to the lion (the lion is Teenage One) but I couldn't reply. Instead she suggested I take some deep breaths to try and get back into the room. It helped.

Before I left she said something about wanting to thank Teenage One. I thought that was interesting. And she asked me if I wanted her to book the room out for next week, so I said yes please. I have only just twigged that maybe the reason she wanted me to contract in for six sessions was so that she could ensure the room was available for hire. I hadn't even considered that... maybe I need to make sure it will be, and if it isn't guaranteed then book in for six sessions. If she books it maybe she can cancel it, but going by today, I would be happy to keep seeing her.

She seemed very active and engaging which I think is what my Teenage One needs. I think she is going to need a little bit of a push.