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I lied to the doctors over 20 years ago about my history. I (mostly) believed my lies at one point, but was never fully convinced. It felt wrong to accuse two family members of horrific acts that never happened, but I did it anyways. This is something I profoundly regret and wish I could take back. My apology didn’t help as much as I thought it would. I’m haunted by this, the harm I caused to those two people and the betrayal of myself. How could I have done such a thing? This isn’t how I was reared. It went against everything I believed in.
I’m trying to understand why this happened. At that time I was desperate to understand why I was suffering so much. Nothing could explain my experience. Not even the list of diagnoses that I was given. I remember feeling unheard and harshly judged because of those labels. No one was listening, so I lied to be heard. Could there be other reasons why I did this? The need for answers doesn’t justify sinking that low. Is there something I am missing here? Can there be other motivations behind my past behavior? I ask because it doesn’t feel like there is one explanation. Perhaps I am over thinking this, so I can find a more valid excuse for my egregious and selfish behavior.
Forgiving myself for sinking that low and hurting others feels like an impossible task. I’ve been discussing this in therapy. It is humiliating to admit what I did.
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Dx: Didgee Disorder
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