That sounds really, really hard.

For whatever it’s worth, it makes a lot of sense to me that someone who is suffering a lot would feel desperate to find an explanation.

I don’t know how old you are but in the mid-late 80’s, 90’s and maybe early 00’s, there was a lot of literature (Courage To Heal being the big one that comes to mind) that really promoted the idea that our depression, somatic illness etc is rooted in CSA that we may have repressed. Of course CSA is very prevalent and often we don’t recall exactly what happened. So it was a bit of a nightmare of some people having “memories” encouraged by the thinking of the time and others who were abused being discredited because of the first phenomenon.

I’m saying all this to tell you that you’re by no means alone.

The understanding that poor attunement/attachment for a child with a sensitive nervous system can be in itself very traumatic, is relatively new. Those people end up feeling kind of defective because they feel so effed up (especially in their teens and twenties) despite having had pretty normal childhoods. The thing is that for those kids not being listened to, run-of-the-mill bullying, being left alone or yelled at or whatever, is just devastating.

If you don’t know that, of course it makes sense to believe (on some level) that somebody did something horrible to you. Because you’re so shattered.

Anyway. I hope your T is giving you a lot of credit for the courage and integrity of the work you’re doing.