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Anonymous43372
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Default Oct 11, 2021 at 06:52 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jesyka View Post
I suspect that some of my friends also don't want to see me sometimes, but by saying no directly, it might be seen as being rude. Why are some people like that? What's wrong with saying sorry, I can't, I'll be busy, I'm to tired, etc...????
I'll tell you why. We are conditioned to avoid conflict by repressing our real feelings, in order to avoid making the other person unhappy with our true feelings.

It's a terminal condition -- no matter how many coaches or self-help gurus out there advise to be vulnerable (Brene Brown). People at the end of the day, when given the choice will avoid a) tell the other person the truth b) lie to save face (to protect themselves from being judged by the person they are rejecting, to avoid feeling guilty for having boundaries).

It's a boundaries game. Boundaries are necessary. But...boundaries aren't always used correctly, or developed well.

Also, it's about communication style. Example: I am a literal communicator. Someone who is an abstract communicator will be driven crazy by my style of communication b/c unlike the abstract person who speaks in metaphors and analogies and euphemisms, I speak in facts and I speak straightforwardly.

So, when I tell an abstract communicator/thinker "I don't like it when you do x,y,z" my brain thinks, "I'm telling them facts so that they will respect me." Whereas the abstract communicator/thinker hears, "I hate you. You are a terrible person" and their brain thinks "Motts is dramatic and hysterical and I want nothing to do with someone who is outspoken and direct."

Does that make sense?

These young women you chase after do not want a genuine friendship with you. They've both shown you this with their actions and told you this. Yet, you continue to chase them.

Once you see value in yourself, you will learn to stop chasing after people who don't see your value (instrinsic value, not the kind of value where you serve a purpose for them like, they need a 4th person so they just call you for example).

It's hard to extract yourself from fair weather friends. But at some point, you need to stop this pattern. It's like you choose to chase after people whom you know will reject you, b/c you already reject yourself. So, it seems like you are seeking out negative validation from others to reinforce your own negative invalidation of yourself. Does that make sense?

Until you accept yourself for who you are and see your own value, you will continue to be stuck in this cycle of chasing after people who don't like you.
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