My T says a big part of not allowing myself to feel any peace or joy or contentment is that I don't live in the "now." I'm either looking back to the past traumas or I'm looking forward with anxiety as to what horrible things the future might bring. But my life actually now, today isn't bad. I feel tons of anxiety, but why? Because I don't let myself relax in the now.

Right now my biggest "worry" is will I be able to finish reading the great book for my book club tomorrow? I mean, I did a lot of chores & accomplished a lot yesterday so I could basically have all day to read today & I love to read so why am I anxious? This should be an ideal day for me.

I have a beautiful home that my husband & I designed in a park-like location that is peaceful. I have some delcious coffee that I can make. It's warm enough to sit outside in the sun to read.

Just had a mammagram & had a polyp removed & both test results showed no cancer.

My husband & I are slowly communicating again as I learn new things in therapy & I called about getting into a DBT group that my therapist recommended that should help with the living in the now & help calm down my intense over-reactions to triggers & the anxiety so things are looking up!!

I'm determined to get what "they" have--the people I see in the grocery store or in the coffee shop with the half smile on their faces just focussing on the moment & perhaps even delighting in the smell of the coffee or thoughts of preparing a favorite dish--not having food trigger an agonizing fear that I might binge or bring back the thoughts of hate of my body (weight gain on meds, but have changed meds & lost 10 lbs. so far, but many more to go) or how angry I get at myself when I eat, because I feel so weak & undisciplined.

Oh, here I go again!! I'm just going to go out & read the damn book & enjoy the sunshine if it kills me to do it!! And I'm going to be happy. When I wanted to bail out of life & cancel things I had committed to & I wasn't in a total meltdown (in which case my husband would let me stay home), he would make me go. He said I could go happy or I could go sad, but I was going to go! Like to Christmas dinner at his parents' house. Sometimes the anxiety was so strong I would be vomitting & crying uncontrollably--that's a stay home. Other times I'd just be whining that I didn't want to go--that's a go happy or go sad.--Suzy