I don't think most of you know what the secret is. And I apologize, but I will never post about it again. I had some bad reactions on here.

I feel those who know or if they could know what the secret is, they'd judge me as bad too.

L and I spent all last session talking about this, and we plan to continue the conversation next week. She knows we disagree. She knows that it's really upsetting to me.

Okay, this is hard to explain. L says that because of childhood neglect, I wasn't taught certain things that children are taught. And because of human nature, I was curious. I feel like those are just excuses. L says that now that I'm an adult and have morals and values, I see things differently than when I was a child. Again, feels like an excuse.

However, let's say L had this secret. I wouldn't judge her. I think I wouldn't judge her because I have the secret. I'd like to think I wouldn't judge her if I didn't have the secret, but I don't know. She related it to monogamy and polygamy. I am monogamous, yet I can respect polygamy (please don't judge...this is just an example). Or she explained that she too has done bad things, but it doesn't make her a bad person.

She's been trying to teach me circle living, about core self. She says core self is not feelings, thoughts, or actions. Those things do not determine if the person is good or bad. Like your experience CNS, a "bad" person can do good things and a "good" person can do bad things.

Maybe I don't need her to agree with me that I'm a bad person. Maybe there's truth to L's explanation and what she's trying to teach me. But the secret itself is bad, and I want her to say it's bad. She says she doesn't know much about it to form an opinion. I wish she could go look it up, but a simple search will not produce research. It's too rare and that leaves me to believe it's wrong (for that reason and many others).

The one hopeful thing is that L says is that she can help me get rid of my thoughts, or at least make them not so powerful. She said we need to shine a light in the darkness so that they lose their power over me. I so want that. I asked her if it would work with other thoughts, and she said yes. So my goal is to keep processing this with her. I don't think getting rid of the thoughts absolves me of my past, but it would be a great relief to me