I had a metaphorical ending this year. As in, I let go of my old dreams and goals, of past challenges and torments, to make way for a new beginning. And this did mean going through some painful changes. I also turned 35 this year, and possibly went through a mid-life crisis? Existential crisis? Whatever you want to call it, it was a crisis.

Since 2018, I have:

- had to drop out of college
- Moved to Vermont and back to my home state when this didn't work out
- developed an autoimmune disease that nearly took my life, I was nearly crippled.
- went through the process of recovering from this disease which took an entire year
- Went through two traumatic experiences with cyberbullying and a smear campaign
- Made the mistake of moving to CO with online friends, only to be financially taken advantage of, sexually harassed, and kicked out when I refused to give in to their wants.
- I was homeless for 4 weeks
- When I escaped from CO, I left with all I could carry in 2 suitcases, and lost 95% of my belongings and was out $5000.
- lost my emotional support cat to cancer
- had two uncles die, one was a boating accident and completely unexpected
- Been through multiple abusive/toxic relationships
- Was in a living experience where I was threatened, abused, the house was a warzone, and I had to sleep with the door locked at night.
- Left a hobby that was a major part of my life and something I was very passionate about, because it was toxic for me or causing me stagnation.
- Accepted myself as a transgender person
- went through two medication crises.

I am a survivor. And now I'm trying to rebuild my life. Which is daunting, but in a sense, exciting too. The other night my frustrations inspired me to create a vision board, I've heard other people find success with these and thought I would give it a try. I feel more present and focused in my life.

When escaping from CO, I took a train. While waiting at a bus station to get to the train station, in the middle of nowhere in this city, with no security, no food, water, or even a restroom. Just a place under the bridge where homeless people were sleeping. I met a man and we talked for hours. It turned out this guy was a drug addict, a dealer, and I even saw him snort cocaine. But on the other hand, he was kind to me, protective of me, and he told me something that has had a major impact on my life. When he asked me why I left my home state, I said it was to start a new life. And he gave me a puzzled expression and said, "Why? You already had a life in New York." I realized for many years I had no sense of gratitude for what I already had. In my efforts to escape, or start over, not appreciating myself or my life, I had lost everything.

Now I sit here and understand that I do have a good life, and I am so grateful for the life I have. I'm thankful to be alive, for the times and situations where it could have gone differently. I am very lucky to be here. I am working on my life, and it will be a life with an amazing story, and a life well lived.