I'm so sorry you are suffering.

One of the things we bear in life is the work of our little three-pound brains. Most of the time they are amazing, keeping us alive and healthy 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

Sometimes they disappoint and surprise us. One problem is that our brains are running deep programs, so to speak, "installed" from our earliest life experiences and genetics. Others are running from other experiences.

We can't always predict what you brains our going to move us to do.

I'm not saying that we are not free. We are. but our freedom is finite not infinite. Sometimes our freedom is limited by things like I mentioned, sometimes by strong emotions like fear, sometimes by limitations on our knowledge and awareness, sometimes by conflicting ideas and emotions.

Sometimes it can be hard to love our little brains. But they don't make mistakes of purpose. Maybe we owe it to our brains to be patient with them. After all, they work so hard for us and do so much for us and the 30 trillion or so cells in our bodies.

Often we exercise our free will, but not the whole of it. Sometimes the complete exercise of our freedom is subject to various impediments both inside us and outside us. I often forget that my own little brain is finite. Sometimes I expect it to be an all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful and all-perfect Infinite Being. But it cannot be.

I think you did the best you could last night given everything influencing you at the time. Being anxious is a huge impediment to the full exercise of freedom and if freedom is diminished, so is responsibility by the same degree. Fatigue can powerfully influence us too.

While it is not true that our brain does the best it can at every moment, I think it is true that our brain does the best it can /U]given everything influencing it [/I][/I]every the moment.

I have certainly cancelled trips and regretted it later. I myself suffer from depression, anxiety disorder and panic disorder so I know these powerfully affect my decision at times. I don't see any point in beating up my brain over its mistakes. In a way, my brain is the best friend I'll ever have, working even I am asleep.

You know there are mistakes and then there are MISTAKES.

A couple of men in the last 100 years caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through campaigns of genocide and forced mass starvation programs. In the grand scheme of things that is a huge, tragic and horrible thing.

Cancelling a trip is far, far, far, far away from being something like that.

On the scale of good and bad, a cancelled trip is not the same as the destruction of tens of millions of people, millions of people, hundreds of thousands of people tens of thousands of people, thousands of people, hundreds of people and so on.

So hopefully with time you will be able to put this incident in perspective so you won't feel so bad.

Wish I knew how to help you feel less bad, but sadly I don't really don't know how. Hopefully others here will make up for what I lack in ideas and share something really helpful to you. Best wishes to you!