Just got to have a mini session with L on the phone. It helped a lot. I was having thoughts of self-harm. I also have this feeling that I am tainting her by talking to her about it. She reassured me I'm not. She flipped the scenario and asked how I would feel if my niece told me such a thing. Honestly, I don't think I would judge her, I wouldn't feel tainted, I would want her to get help, and I would feel honored that she trusted me enough. L says she feels the same way. What meant the most is that she actually feels honored to help me. L says she doesn't want to take away my regret which made me feel better too. But she does want to help me with the shame by examining the roots of the situation.

I also talked to H about it a little. He said he knew L and I would talk about it at some point, and gave me a big hug. I asked him if he was mad at me, and he too reassured me he's not.

Yes, I feel this shame as a type of punishment. And yes I feel it's serving me by atoning and for prevention. There is no way I know of to make up for such a thing except for never having it happen again and trying to be a good person.

Thank you FJ for your kind words. I do appreciate it even though it's hard for me to take in. I do try so hard to be a good person as much as I can. I know I can't be perfect, and that's another issue L and I are going to work on.