Sprinkles,
I so appreciate your willingness to communicate and shared!

I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I was the oldest of 5 children. My mom used to say I never had an adolescence period in my life. I went from pre-teen to adult. I get what you are saying. I spent several years with a therapist after I moved out by myself--her main focus ended up being my dad, my relationship with my dad, the childhood I had with my dad, etc. I won't say she cured me, but at least now I understand me, or in your terms, us.

I'm not sure I'll ever learn to have much fun, though I'm open to it and willing to try. I've mentioned my short romance right before COVID....She and I had fun together! I can't remember laughing so much! I do ok on my own, but it would be really nice to be able to have fun with other people. I'm not there yet...not sure I will ever get there on a regular basis.

I was in the military but I didn't join till I was 25, almost 26. Prior to that I married the love of my life, my childhood sweetheart, and was divorced 13 months later. Yes, that was very traumatizing. I'm sure I am still traumatized by that, though I have tried hard to face it, take it out and play with it, deal with it. While in the military, I fell into a pretty deep depression. Lots of reasons, which really aren't important at this time, but how I dealt with it is. At that time, it was not really approved of by the military to admit a person might have a mental/emotional issue that needed help, especially if you held high security clearance, which I did. And, being very honest, I likely was too proud to have gone even if it had been condoned. Instead, I tried to play John friggin Wayne and deal with things on my own. The result was a marriage to the ex-wife from hell. I was married to her for 9 years, had two children (she deliberately got pregnant against my wishes both times) the second child born 10 months after the first. I tried to stick it out for the kids but eventually caught myself lying to my mother and realized I didn't even know who I was any more. I left and filed for divorce and then all hell broke loos. . She hid the kids from me, spent years successfully working to turn them against me, and so on and so on and so on. Yes, that was traumatizing.

After that divorce I really started working on me...took my first college course at the age of 40, etc. I made a lot of progress, I think. Then, finding myself pretty much alone in life, I discovered the Internet and started looking for a connection. I found one, my third wife. I'll admit we both jumped into things way too quickly. Easy to see that now. I was not the person she thought she married, I entered another deep depression due to the outcome of a custody fight for my children, and the third marriage rapidly went downhill from there. I'm not perfect, but I can honestly say I tried to make the third one work. I really did. I tried to change to meet her needs, went to counseling she thought I needed, etc. Did that for close to 10 years. Then 5 years ago this Christmas I walked into her bedroom for something and she looked up at me and said, "You need to find another F'ing place to live." So, I did.

As I have said, I've worked hard on myself these past five years. I've dealt with a LOT of issues, many of which I didn't even know I had. I've grown, healed, and find myself at a point in life where I truly like me. Still, I'm convinced I'm just not good at relationships, romantic or platonic and I find myself alone 99% of the time.

And I'm still learning and dealing.

BOM

But, it could be a lot worse. I'm blessed with good health for my age. I'm intelligent by most standards, I make more money that I ever thought possible.