Motts,

Thank you for sharing the link to what "motivational reasoning" was. It was an interesting read. I've not heard that term before! It would explain much of the political vitriol going on these days!

Concerning motivational reasoning within our personal circles, it would appear that our values and belief systems based on past experiences (whether it be good or bad past experiences) cloud our judgment sometimes. We may have implicit biases toward others who are not alike, or explicit biases about things that are out of the ordinary, such as a missing package.

I can relate to the missing package bit, as I have PTSD and live in an apartment complex. Sometimes my packages are missing or delayed, and the notifications I receive online and via email indicate that they've been delivered (even when they haven't). This irks me! My first thought is that the package was stolen. I have many other thoughts sometimes, but I get why that would be my first thought. I do try to wait the two days, but I always argue with the delivery service or postal service about their inaccurate website stating that the package was delivered, or the manner for which they've trained their employees to prematurely click on delivered when it wasn't. For customer service representatives to make excuses for the delivery persons clicking on the delivery button too soon and then having me wait two days before reporting it missing, or if I've already waited two days, for me to wait two more days after the first report, tells me that they clearly side with their delivery people over and against customer service. I know they are only doing their job, but whomever makes these scripts and prompts up to tell customers is really not understanding the main issue here - their employees prematurely clicking on the delivery button! But my mind goes into all sorts of places of injustices, stress, discrimination, etc. Who knows what the motives are, as we've seen a lot of political and hateful vitriol on news reports, social media sites, etc. It's hard to believe that mistakes are made, that packages are delayed, that there are honest neighbors protecting packages, etc. It's hard to see the good when our focus is so much on the bad, due to our lizard brain and limbic systems on fight-or-flight mode constantly, and due to our familiarity with loss issues, irreconcilable injustices, betrayal trauma issues, and more.

Yes, to pause and wait until the emotional storm has lifted sounds like a feel-good response to do before making decisions, but what if those feelings return again and again whenever you approach speaking with customer service yet again for a recurring problem?! At some point, you have to figure out a way to acknowledge that there are some things that are pet peeves to you, and possibly even injustices gone unrecognized (such as inept workers; or inept management mismanaging their workers and their training protocols; or biased persons purposely not delivering your packages on time, which could happen; or the possibility of porch pirates or neighborly thefts). When I lived in a crime-infested area in the past, thefts were quite common. Research does state that neighborhood violence and neighborhood effects like property crimes are traumatic, and the ongoing effects of such bring about intrusive thoughts, etc. Those are ongoing, continuous traumas - not imagined, but very real. It's no wonder that some (more privileged) areas don't have to deal with such hypervigilance all the time, whereas others do. It's therefore a common misnomer that all populations will respond to mental health treatment in a homogeneous way, when trauma, itself, is very multifaceted and diverse.

Our reactions to something out of the ordinary might be a combination of past trauma and present-day trauma, depending on the situation. It therefore may not be a case of "motivational reasoning" at all, as in the case of racial traumas and those experiencing microaggressions on a near-daily (if not daily) basis. The treatment for them is not going to be the same as others for other traumatic happenings, or even other non-traumatic yet adverse occurrences. Why? Because it's not imagined; it's very real.

The thing we have to understand is that, as trauma survivors, our reactions to things might be more heavy than the reactions of those without PTSD. The scenario with the package might still bother and frustrate a person without PTSD, for instance, so those feelings we experience are, in fact, valid. However, for those with PTSD, our reaction is more fight-or-flight, and so it gets attuned to seeing danger for survival purposes. Yes, it could be a bias, but it could also be a protective factor if there was an influx of porch pirates (those who steal packages on porches or in apartment complexes) at the time, or if you reside in a crime-infested neighborhood. There's a good balance to that, too.

My therapist offered an alternative solution for me whenever I feel on edge about many things. She suggested to write a safety list whenever I'm experiencing some level of stress that isn't a life-or-death situation, such as missing packages, loud noises in the neighborhood, changing rules, changing policies, etc. The safety list helps me to balance the fight-or-flight mode that my automatic response is to any stressor, which helps me to feel safe amid a stressful situation, and it also helps me to realize that I can calm down when it's not life-or-death. Some situations may take longer than others to calm down from. Finding safety includes things like good neighbors who care, or good and protective apartment policies, or good and protective neighborhood watches, or good and inclusive companies in the area, as well as the security of our home, our individual strengths (e.g., paying attention to detail, being smart, being resourceful), and having good relationships with those I do business with. All of those things, too, can help us calm down from a stressful situation before revisiting the situation again and reassessing the likelihood that the situation is dangerous. It might still be "dangerous" for some (such as when a package has been stolen), but being able to calm down with a safety list first will help us to be more clear-minded when tackling post-trauma or post-stress situations. We're so used to having to react quickly in order to survive trauma that we forget that there are many instances where we can take pause, reassess our own feelings (not the situation, necessarily, esp. if the situation can wait a day or two, or at least an hour or two), and then, once calmed, reassess the situation. Jumping straight into reassessing the situation might not be the best action plan if the situation perpetuates the fight-and-flight cycle, being maybe the situation is itself a trigger.

So, that might help??

It's important to validate your feelings though. Making a safety list while also validating your feelings as being safe to feel - that your feelings (set apart from behaviors) are safe to feel and put into words, too. Being angry is a feeling, but verbally attacking is a behavior. Being angry is a feeling, but seeking social justice and advocacy is a behavior. The difference between anger as a feeling and both behaviors expressed in the two previous sentences reveal the different ways we might respond - the first behavior from anger is reactionary, versus the second behavior from anger is proactive, which often takes more time and requires thought and some pause. The anger, in and of itself, is not bad; it's a feeling.

Many times, abused children were taught that their feelings didn't matter, that they couldn't show their feelings, that feelings meant they were "weak," and that feelings are "bad." But that's really unhealthy! Those, too, were biases that the parents believed for whatever reason. The parents believed in their own biases, so they exhibited such roles with their children, which were behavioral roles that were, in fact, neglectful and inappropriate. Children deserve emotional support, and they deserve emotional space. But in adulthood, we carry these feelings with us - these feelings we are afraid to feel and express. We may be more reactionary because we got sick of stuffing our feelings in for so long as children, or because we saw our parents being reactionary as adults, even though we weren't allowed to be reactionary as children. We never got soothed. We never got taught how to use our emotions as information to be proactive, to assess situations and how they make us feel. Our feelings are valid. Our emotions are real. They may be mixed with what is happening in the present as well as having intrusive feelings and/or thoughts from the past. But all of them are valid and real. It's what we choose to do that matters; it's our behavior to those feelings that matter. Being proactive is often the best approach when your life is NOT in danger. Being reactive when your life is in danger is also understandable and sometimes unavoidable, especially when disempowered during a traumatic situation. It's hard to differentiate the two, but with practice, it gets easier.

Hang in there. You're not alone.