I've been having a pretty rough week. Flashbacks have been violent. I relapsed with self-harm, I kind of blacked out. No memory of it, like I had disassociated. Struggling with coming to terms with it tbh. Lots of feelings keep coming up and I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I've also been dealing with a fear of sleeping, I wake up feeling like I'm being strangled, I see things that aren't there and I have to sleep with the light on... otherwise I just can't sleep. Awake for hours

I had a really hard time at a massage appointment this week, I really needed it the appointment, I like the guy I work with, however its getting really tough, I'm always tense. I've been trying things to relax and going through my usual coping techniques. Its so HARD in the appointment. I feel so intensely, I keep trying, but maybe I should take a break from the massage appointments for a while? I feel stuck.

The pain still feels very real, and I've been doing Life Span Integration with my T, we just built the timeline, hoping that I can get through this ok. I'm really worried about being triggered through the process. I was triggered this week with some friends. Unintentionally and I totally freaked out at them. The I felt guilty for acting out like that. I really honestly don't know how I can cope with it.

I feel very alone in my marriage with all of this, and I'm at a loss as to how to talk to him about it. I am starting feel a real sense of hopelessness in my relationship and I don't know where to turn. The depression is draining me and I feel devoid of all energy to have the conversations.

I am proud of myself for saying out loud to my T that I was sexually assaulted, it was really hard, but I'm glad she knows.