I am sorry for how you are feeling and your struggles.

it's the subject of your message that struck a cord with me, "defeated and afraid"

well: I feel like that. for me, it's because no one cares what I want and I feel that I am constantly living for others. their's no well, she can decide this, she can do what is right for her, because that's wrong. that's bad. that's unhealthy. she can't make decisions who does she think she is.

and that leads to the fear of speaking up and the fear of actually living.

I often find that if I hide how I feel, people press me for more information.

if I tell them, it's wrong. it's bad. it's unhealthy

so where's the middle ground?