I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, I am in a pretty dark place right now too. Somebody wrote on a thread somewhere that you should live every day as though you have a future even if you don't believe it is true right now. Those words have helped me a little bit. It has translated down to me getting out of bed and eating some food on the worst days, and trying to do a bit of work because future me may benefit from that etc. It's not much, but it's something I guess. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I hope it gets better.