Do any of you have pandemic-related mental health issues?
Here's what my pandemic-related mental health issues include:
1. Frequently washing my hands. I also purchased individual-use washcloths to dry my hands. Once I dry my hand with the wash cloth, it goes in the hamper. I never use it twice. I learned this early on in the pandemic, and I've never stopped. I still wash my hands for about 20 seconds whenever I touch anything. Even though I know fomite transmissions is less likely, I live in an apartment complex with positive air pressure downwind in the hallways (as stated by the maintenance man why I feel air coming in whenever I open my front door). I worry about the 'Rona getting into my apartment. I also worry about the 'Rona sticking to my hands if I put lotion on them, so I don't really lotion them much. I have lotion, but I just haven't used them.
2. Using a reusable washcloth to open kitchen cupboards, to save on costs of antibacterial sprays and cleansers and wipes. In the early part of the pandemic, I wasn't able to purchase any antibacterial cleansers or bleach. They were all sold out, and no one delivered or shipped (unless price gouging was involved). So I went by the only available science at the time, which was knowing that it takes 3 to 5 days for the virus to weaken when on most surfaces, and to wash my hands after touching something. Well, I decided to spare my hands from the handwashing by using a reusable washcloth to open my kitchen cupboards, fridge, etc. I've kept that routine going ever since. I never touch anything with my bare hands, if I can help it. My kitchen is also closest to my front door, which is exposed to shared air space whenever I open it.
3. Never going out anywhere - not even for walks or to the grocery store. Avoiding my neighbors at all costs, especially the mean ones. I was yelled at earlier on in the pandemic by some harassing neighbor who demanded that I come out without a mask on to pick up my packages. I complained about her to the landlord when she threatened to throw my packages away if I didn't retrieve them. She also kept yelling at me on the other side of my door (I could see her through my peephole). Her dog also peed on my packages. She was definitely anti-mask, even though she's a caregiver. There was no vaccine at that time. I explained to the landlord (we've since had about 5 landlords) that I retrieve my packages in the middle of the night in order to avoid possible Covid-19 exposure, as well as to avoid harassing neighbors like her. She also might have disliked me because she knew I was part-Asian. I live in a red state, so I've experienced harassment in online zoom groups that I attempted to attend locally. I had to avoid those and many situations online and in person - ever since 2020. I've since started a new routine of being "agoraphobic." I only retrieve mail and packages in the middle of the night, after all the bar-goers are fast asleep or passed out from inebriation. I also dump trash in the trash compactor and dump recycling - both outside, since the trash chutes on our floors are locked during non-business hours. I always double-mask, double-glove, wear goggles, wear full clothing, and cover my head and hair whenever doing those tasks, in case I run into anyone on the elevator - which I did a few times, but not always. I always order online or for contactless door delivery. For the longest time, I avoided restaurant deliveries and fresh produce. I still do, but once in a while, I will have contactless produce and pizza deliveries (now that I'm vaccinated).
4. Experiencing Covid anxiety. I fear getting C19, spreading it, suffocating from it, experiencing medical trauma from it, experiencing a traumatic death, and experiencing medical malpractice. I also fear people purposely trying to cough in my face because I'm masked in public or because I'm part-Asian. This is why I don't go anywhere by myself. This is why I dump trash and retrieve mail in the middle of the night. This is why I have only seen my therapist online (twice a week) for the past 19 months.
5. Wearing two masks and two gloves (disposable under cloth) whenever opening my front door to my apartment, even if I'm just opening my front door for five minutes (due to shared air space in the hallway with neighbors) to retrieve perishables from a contactless delivery five minutes after the delivery person has left.
6. Securing items from contaminated air. Keeping many items in the kitchen and living room in bins or in the cupboards, with my bedroom and bathroom and closet doors shut, whenever I open my front door. (My front door opens to shared air space in the hallway.) Also storing my coffee maker in my bedroom, as my bedroom is safe from any shared air that comes in through my front door, since my bedroom doors are closed.
7. I have strict hygiene and door safety protocols. I not only clean my hands after I open the front door to my apartment for any reason, but I also shower and change afterward, just in case my clothing was contaminated from the shared air space in the hallway that enters my apartment whenever I open the front door; and if I've been outside such as to get my vaccine and return immediately home. There are too many antivaxxers and anti-maskers in my apartment complex and general area. I also live blocks from our state's capital building, where many protestors go. Many tenants where I live have either died or moved out already; I remember hearing the ambulance or neighbors cry loudly in the hallways during the beginning of the pandemic. So, I've kept myself safe by keeping strict hygiene protocols while also limiting the days for which I open my front door (about twice to upwards of four times per week - never more). Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome on top of all the other issues, and because I live alone, and because I'm limited to self-defense, and because I'm part-Asian, I play it super safe during this pandemic. When I return from dumping trash or getting mail or packages, I always lock the door, ensure that the door is locked, strip, wash my hands, quickly open and close the bathroom door to shower, and then quickly open and close the bathroom and bedroom doors after I shower. Because I know that the virus can stay in the air for about 3 hours, I used to wait 3 hours before I came out of my bedroom to enter the living room and kitchen area, where the front door allows shared air from the apartment's hallways in. After getting fully vaccinated, however, I wait only 1 hour instead of 3. Whenever I have maintenance men working on something in my living room or laundry area within my apartment, I shut myself in my bedroom and have signs telling them to wear masks at all times, to keep all the cupboards and doors shut, to not touch my air purifiers, and to lock the front door when they leave. I would wait for a definite 3 hours after they've left before I left my bedroom. I would shower afterward, just in case. I've kept my bedroom and bathroom, for the most part, virus-free and clean. They are the rooms that are mostly protected whenever I open my front door and allow shared air to come into my apartment.
8. I only check mail or dump trash two to four times per week. This reduces the exposure to share air space in the hallways whenever I open my front door, as well as in the elevators and package rooms or trash rooms whenever I am doing what I call "external chores" outside of my apartment.
9. I experience racial trauma. I am part-Asian. I have experienced direct and indirect racial traumas during this pandemic. This brings up past racial traumas for me, in addition the the present-day threats against persons like me. For this reason, I limit my time reading news, and I never go out by myself. I never walk anywhere. I never leave my apartment to do anything other than dump trash and check for mail or packages.
10. Whenever I've had to ask for a ride from one of two trusted people - the only people - I know in my area (who are both vaccinated and masked whenever they meet me), I only do so to ask them for a ride to get vaccinated.
11. I'm not yet able to make an in-person medical or mental health appointment yet, out of fear that the MST I had experienced in the military will happen again at the VA, or out of fear that I will be harmed because I'm Asian. I fear the VA. I fear the Vet Center. I fear many things because people may see Asians like me as sex objects to toy with, to harass, to harm, etc. I've had these horrible thoughts about that. I also fear being harmed by DAV drivers or Uber or Lyft. I fear being a target. I fear anyone with me being a target for being with me, an Asian. I fear that is the reason why my father, my uncle, and those other abusers harmed me - was because of my Asianness. I think about it every day whenever I read news about another Asian beaten, murdered, raped, molested, spat on, discriminated against, blamed for the pandemic, etc. My worst fears and nightmares have revisited me over and over again - but this time, it's not just past traumas revisiting me. It's real threats playing out over and over again.
12. Although I limit news reading, I am constantly interested in pandemic-related news (Covid-19 case counts and vaccine info) as well as anti-Asian hate news. I'm on high alert as to what harms may come to me.
13. When the vaccines came out, everyone was happy for a short while and going outside to socialize. I remained indoors, as I didn't trust the vaccines working fully. I was partially right.
14. When the vaccines came out and everyone was out having a good time, I felt like I was still unsafe because my Asianness meant constant threats for years to come. I felt a sense of huge betrayal as well as fear. I felt very outnumbered and alone. What was safe for all other persons was not safe to me. I still was at risk of being injured or dying from hate crimes. I could not enjoy freedom the way everyone else enjoyed freedom from being vaccinated.
15. When I asked for support for racial trauma, I was told that there aren't many minorities here. I was also told by some online support groups that my asking for support for racial trauma was "divisive," and that I should not bring up racism at all. I was also told that I was too sensitive, and that I should respect white culture more or leave this state and go to a blue state.
16. I've felt hated, rejected, blamed, isolated, lonely, ashamed, afraid, panicked, dissociative, depressed, suicidal, angry, enraged, confused, obsessed, paranoid, exhausted, fatigued, hopeless, and worthless throughout this entire pandemic. Every little bit of support helps, but all these feelings remain. These feelings are on top of the mental and medical conditions I've already experienced throughout my life.