I miss my friends in the community I used to belong to. I miss doing that hobby I love. I'm afraid if I go back, people will be mad at me because I just disappeared without warning because someone I was close to hurt me so deeply. I'm want to return but I'm scared to return because I don't want people to be mad at me. I don't want to deal with the same struggles and problems and bullying and all the things I've been going through on there for nearly 3 years.

But I'm lonely. I'm sad. I miss staying busy. I feel like a fish out of water, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying other social media and communities but I can't seem to connect and fit in.

I miss being happy. I miss doing things with others. I miss having creative ideas to make a difference. I keep having these meltdowns and crying and I am having a hard time keeping it together. I can't tell what's good for me anymore. Staying away from or going back. I thought it was destroying my mental health so I left, but not being there is destroying my mental health. I don't know anymore. Maybe it's not so much this or that but me that is the problem.

I feel so utterly lost in life. I don't know what to do or how to help myself. I am trying all sorts of things. Mood journal, regular journal, a vision board, causal conversations, exercise, photography, writing, meditation, affirmations, going to bed earlier, doing research, trying to heal, connecting with a higher power. In a few days, I see a therapist.

At the end of the day, my life still feels like hell and I'm still unhappy and it never gets better or changes. Why doesn't anything work?