wondering if you are confusing the term asexual with choosing to be celibate.

celibate means a person who chooses to not have any sexual relationships. this is a choice thing based on all kinds of things. life style, trauma, ....

Asexual is a person who has no sexual desires, no sexual feelings or emotions (ie they do not hate nor like nor love sex, ) this is not usually a choice. a person is born this way. like a person is born gay, lesbian, bisexual. its not something that is learned and chosen its how a person is.

I did not choose to be a lesbian, I was born a lesbian.
a friend of mine did not choose to be asexual, she was born that way where her body has no sexual responses at all.

your post shows emotion words when talking about sex example...

"I'd love to get close - intimately, emotionally, and somewhat physically (holding hands, hugging, cuddling), but I get scared...."

"I cried during or after being physically intimate"

if you were like my friend who is asexual you would not desire or have an interest in becoming closely intimate and you wouldnt have an emotional reaction during intimacy.

but many sexual abuse survivors do go through a period of time, be it months or years choosing to live with celibacy (choosing to not have a sex life) due to it causes them flashbacks to the abuse.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment providers. they can help you figure out if your "sexual orientation" is asexual or whether this is a personal choice that you be celibate.