Hi there
I am seeking feedback regarding financial issues between spouses/partners. My partner of 11 years and I live in constant disagreement over accountability with money, and he has challenged me to survey other couples as a way of supporting his views. I will try to be objective.

Disclosure: I have enjoyed financial stability my entire life, and have been taught to live within my means. I do not carry credit card balances, and by the very good fortune of inheritance, I was able to pay cash for my home. I have more than I need or even want, and financial responsibility and prudence are important to me. I was single until I was 46, when I met and fell in love with my partner. We have lived together since 2010 with his three children, two of which have been with us full-time since February 2019 (only one still at home now). Additionally, I have been in counseling for over two years to seek support and gain perspective on most of these issues.

My partner grew up in poverty and instability caused by his father's alcoholism. Still, he and his siblings overcame adversity, and each earned advanced professional degrees (his in Law). Although he works really hard, he tends to spend more than he makes, and believes that living on credit is how most people survive. He has relied on my good credit and my assets in the wake of a financially devastating divorce, but we are in constant disagreement on money management. He has a history of carrying high balances, as well as missing payments, or making late payments on credit accounts in my name, which is a huge source of conflict. Because of our chronic disagreements, he has told me that he will only talk about money with me if a 3rd party mediator is present.

Current financial arrangement:

I have $3000 a month in income, and cover all expenses/repair/maintenance, taxes, and insurance for our home. I also cover shoes/clothing for myself and our 13-year-old, almost all birthday and Christmas gifts for our kids, all expenses related to our dog (vet, food, meds, dog-sitter), and anything for out home outside of groceries. I pay for my own car insurance, as well as solo travel and recreation.

Honestly, I do not know what my partner's monthly income is because he refuses to talk about money at this point. I will say that he covers our family health insurance (including me), family cell phone plan, utilities, including internet bill, and satellite bill. Additionally, he contributes $1000 a month to our "house account" which mainly covers groceries and family dining in restaurants.

There are two sources of high conflict that have brought us to our breaking point:

1. Before we cohabitated, he asked me to take out an equity line of credit (ELoC) on my house to cover forclosure costs when his ex-wife abandoned their marital home. I thought this was a bold request so early in our relationship, but because I loved him, I agreed. He used the ELoC to pay these costs, and we also used it to renovate my home to make room for him and his children. At some point, I became frustrated with the lack of movement on the balance and decided unilaterally to pay it off. A year or two later, he decided to start his own law practice, and he relied on the ELoC to fund the renovation of office space, as well as start-up costs (with my permission). Ultimately, the practice did not work out because of conflict among the partners, and he walked away from the office space and moved to a new one... but the balance on the equity line remained and he continued to make just over minimum payments and so the balance never really moved. Two years before the balance was due, I began to remind him that the full balance would be due in 2019, and inquired how his practice would pay it off. About 6 months before the note ($66,000) was due, he advised me via email that he would not be able to pay off the ELoC, and stated that he would need me to do it. Additionally, he asked me to pay off the $30,000 American Express card debt. I agreed to pay off the ELoC because it had to be paid, but stated that he would be responsible for the American Express bill because he had accrued and mismanaged the debt. He did pay off the Amex bill over time, but the ELoC balance is still lingering in the ether and causing a wedge between us. I also advised him at that time that I could no longer function as his creditor because of the conflict it created between us. Since then, we have continued to live together, but maintain pretty separate financial lives.

2. Practice relocation: In addition to the debt on the ELoC related to the office renovation and practice expenses, when he started his new law practice, he asked if I would LOAN him $60,000 to cover the first six months of operating expenses. He stated that he would sign a promissory note, and detailed the terms of repayment, which would be $2000 a month starting in January the following year. With trepidation, I agreed. I was committed to giving him another chance and felt that with the assurance of the promissory note, and the hope that he would work to rebuild trust, that he would keep his promise. January came and went, with no mention of repayment. In mid-February, I inquired about his plans to initiate repayment, and his response was to angrily claim that there should be no expectation between couples for such repayment because there is no "my money" or "your money" - it is "our money." I was really flabbergasted and hurt because he specifically approached me for a business LOAN, and he signed a promissory note detailing the terms. We argued about this for a few months, and one day out of the blue, I received a computerized check for $1000 in the mail from his practice. Although I was grateful that he started making a payment, I was hurt that he never initiated a conversation about the plan. I thanked him anyway, and he gave me a curt response and walked away. Since that time I have received a total of $30,000 in repayment, which goes directly to the support of our household, and not back into my investment portfolio.

Current Situation: My partner's law practice has ultimately become very successful, and because our oldest has graduated college and our middle child has dropped out of college, he is enjoying a lot of expendable income. A few months ago, he told me he was planning to trade in his Ford Edge for a really "nice" car. Ultimately, he purchased an $80,000 BMW without ever initiating a conversation with me. Although I agreed that he was a grown man who worked hard and had the freedom to buy anything he wanted, I expressed my hurt and frustration that instead of sitting together to flesh out income, debt and expenses, he made a unilateral decision to buy this expensive car without consulting me at all. In this conversation, I brought up the ELoC debt that had never been addressed, and he became enraged. He accused me of only caring about money, and continued to insist that "no other couple functions like this," and that because we are a couple, he shouldn't have to repay these business expenses (ELoC plus loan totals $96,000).

Last night we had an argument that leads me to believe our relationship is beyond repair. During that argument, he challenged me to ask other couples for input regarding such situations.

His position is that all money is "our" money and so I should never expect to be repaid for these business loans. He also asserts that because he pays for my cell phone, health insurance, and groceries, that he is repaying me. From his perspective, all I care about is money.

My position is that when one partner asks another for a business loan, whether via an ELoC or from personal assets, and goes so far as to sign a promissory note, that the loan should be repaid as promised. I also continue to point out that such arrangements are actually a "win-win" for all concerned, because the loan payments are taken pre-tax out of his gross receipts, and go directly into our household instead of back into my investment portfolio. From my perspective, this is not about money, but about trust.

What do you think? If a partner spouse asks for a business loan, defines the terms, and signs a promissory note, should they be accountable?

Sorry this is so long. There is much more that can be said, and the entire situation is actually way more complicated than these two issues. My counselor has suggested that this behavior qualifies as financial infidelity, but my partner rejects her opinion because he claims that I "pay for her support." He seems to be more interested in the opinions of neutral parties, and so I am honestly open to all feedback regarding these issues.

Thank you for your time and feedback.