View Single Post
SprinkL3
Account Suspended
SprinkL3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: DELETED
Posts: 2,752 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
10.9k hugs
given
Default Oct 18, 2021 at 05:58 PM
 
BOM,

Here's another option if you wish to remain married to your wife but engage in a pseudo-monogamous relationship with someone else: consider polyamory. Even though your desires isn't polyamorous, by definition, that particular group (with might be considered the "+" in the LGBTQ community) might be able to offer you alternative solutions and perspectives. Right now, your feedback will most likely be monogamous-related, very conservative, very conventional. It sounds like you are open to more than that, and that you have other ideas. It also sounds like you have a big hear that cares about your wife, but for whatever reason, you don't feel it best to divorce your wife (or even legally separate). A therapist might be able to help you unpack all of these interpersonal relationship struggles along with your current situations regarding multiple partners - one being your non-sexual marital partner and the other(s) being whomever you're dating.

If your dating pool comprises only those who are monogamous and conservative, they are likely not going to have the same values and understanding as you, which will inevitably end the relationship before it has a chance to flourish - which is what it seems like you're experiencing. Even if you're meeting others on the rebound, or others caught up in marital problems, or others caught up in divorce problems, custody battles, financial troubles, medical issues, and the like, you've got to ask what it is you are attracting or being attracted to, what it is you're seeking, and whether or not the people whom you are seeking will have a high likelihood of agreeing with your idea of romantic relationships and, overall, sexuality. Polyamorous groups might consider your needs more than mainstream monogamous groups, so that might be one option.

But if you are monogamous and conservative, then the other option is to seek care for yourself, and know that the dating scene is tough - especially during a pandemic, and especially as we age! Perhaps you truly do want a singular relationship but don't know how to divorce your current wife out of some repressed guilt that you feel - for whatever reason. You honestly don't owe her anything.

That said, I recall you mentioning spiritual beliefs as a motivator for some areas in your life, including helping out people and your wife. If that's the case, a pastoral counselor with at least an M.Div. or Ph.D. in Divinity will be able to greatly help you! I may know of one in a different state, but very close to your state, if you accept private messages. Or you can reach out to a local church within your denomination or non-denominational stance and seek out counseling there. Some of those counselors have also studied psychology and trauma (such as the one I'm thinking of), but they are not psychologists since their focus is on spiritual needs and practices. If you seek guidance to know whether or not you're in the right spiritual path with dating, with your wife, with it all, seek out a few pastoral counselors - the more the merrier in this case, since it's not like singular psychotherapy; it's often short-term. Find out what works best for you in that regard and then go from there.

Perhaps a psychotherapist could help you individually with interpersonal relationships, especially concerning aging issues, transition issues, this ongoing pandemic, your pre-retirement years planning, your concern for being alone during your last years of your life, geriatric issues that might concern you, etc. If you're hoping that your wife will be there for you eventually, or if you are projecting onto your wife that which you fear the most - being alone and therefore not wanting to leave your wife alone - then that's also an issue you can address in psychotherapy. Psychotherapy isn't just about people with mental illnesses; it's also about dealing with short-term mental health issues related to relationships, careers, adjustment issues, etc.

Hopefully I said something that will help to point you in the right direction. If not, then maybe something opposite to what I said might help point you in the right direction, LOL. I'm okay with being wrong, too.

I just hope you hang in there and do a lot of self-care while you're dealing with these challenges. Find time to also enjoy something about you alone, while you're also seeking companionship!

You're not alone in the struggle, my veteran brother! Hang in there!
SprinkL3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote