Wow yesterday sucked.

I had a Zoom appointment with IOP T. It didn't go well. Then it went worse. She said I was at high risk for suicide and self harm and asked me to go to the hospital. I asked her if by going to the hospital I would jeopardize my place in IOP. She said no, that when I got out I could just start back up. I really wasn't feeling overly suicidal but she was very insistent that I go to the hospital. So I went.


While I am in the ER waiting forever to talk to the psychiatrist, I get a text message from my IOP case manager Ray telling me that IOP is not the place for me. That management has decided I need a higher level of care that they won't be providing and that he will try to find me some resources closer to me. (There are none. I live in a rural area.) So I got kicked out of IOP. I'm so upset.


First, my IOP T told me that I wouldn't get kicked out. She also told me that this wouldn't be our last session because she wanted to see me again. I believed her. Second I was told that after 30 days you could do aftercare in IOP. I did more than 40 days and I don't have access to aftercare. This sucks.


So, as I was sitting there waiting, now I was feeling really bad but I still didn't feel like I was an imminent threat to myself. So when I got to talk to the psychiatrist via telehealth, I was like, listen, I really want to go home. This is what is going on. So he really listened to me. He talked to the IOP case manager twice, he talked to my parents twice. He tried to get ahold of my psychiatrist but it was in the evening and I'm not sure I have his correct cell phone number. So he gave me a new medication called Zyprexa, well I will have to pick it up at the pharmacy today, or likely my Dad will, to take as an as needed basis. I forget what the initials are for that. Is it PRN? And I got to come home after being at the hospital for about 7.5 hours.


Then I had emailed my IOP therapist saying this was crap and that I wasn't angry (which was true at the time but I think now I might be angry) but that I was hurt and disappointed over being kicked out of IOP when I listened to them and did everything I was told to do. She sent me back an email which was basically like, it's out of my hands, and I'm sorry you are upset but everything I've done is to protect you and I've done my best. Etc Etc. Not enough of an apology or whatever it was I was needing!


So now, I really need to find a T ASAP. I have the one lady that I tried over the weekend. I wasn't sold on her but I'll give her another shot. Or a couple of tries anyway. But this totally sucks. I keep crying. I cried myself to sleep last night. And I don't cry so that's a big thing. I'm really upset.


Oh and before the session with IOP T I had asked her for a letter or an email that I could hang onto while she was on vacation and after I couldn't see her anymore. I think it's called a transitional object. She was like, you're breaking boundaries. You're causing a toxic relationship. Stuff like that. Wow. I don't know where that was coming from. My former T would write me letters before she went to Singapore every other year and I had that to hang onto for the three weeks that she was gone. So that really sucked too. I was very disengaged with her and she could tell and she told me my cognitive functioning was low yesterday and stuff like that. All of that really hurt too.


So today I am at work. I am crying a lot. My Dad brought me a coffee which is so nice. He is like, I know you didn't get enough sleep so I thought I would bring this to you. I told him I've been crying and he doesn't really understand but he's like I don't think your IOP handled that very well. I don't know what I need couchies, but I'm such a mess today and such a wreck. I can't decide if I am angry or hurt or scared or overwhelmed or what.