Dear T,
I actually ended up really struggling for a stretch last night, but my friend helped me through it. I'm not sure if it was a reaction to ex-MC leading to symptoms, or if it was that I had a bit of a bug or something, then I attributed the symptoms to that. I'd almost rather think it was a bug (not Covid--I did a home test to be safe) because part of me feels like I shouldn't be reacting that strongly to him after all this time. But I suppose seeing someone in the flesh is different than just knowing they exist in the abstract.

I actually wonder if my symptoms were at least in part due to my trying to suppress my reaction. Telling you (in session and in the brief email--thanks for your quick reply, btw) that I'm fine, telling a couple friends that, saying that on here, saying that to H. Was I trying to convince other people or convince myself?

I was tempted during the panic/feeling sick last night to ask if you had anything today, but I'm glad I just waited it out until this morning. In part because I think it's better to know I can get through it, but also because it gives me time to figure out what this may actually be about.

Love,
LT