I recently turned 47. My eyesight is going. I've gained weight. I've been fat-shamed (as both an Asian thing as well as a pandemic-related thing). It's hard to lose the weight. I'm still low-functioning disabled, so I haven't been able to rehabilitate to a high- or average-functioning grad student or employee in the workforce. I miss my youth. I miss the energy and abilities I had. I miss my athletic body. I miss being able to see both close and far without the need for bifocals, trifocals, or transitionals. I miss having energy. I miss having my entire life ahead of me and so much hope for so many different careers and friends I could make. I miss the pre-birth body without the sags and stretch marks. I miss non-droopy boobs. I miss the firmer, glowing, youthful skin. I miss not having to color my hair because of grays. I miss my healthier hair. I missed out on so many opportunities, and I fear it's too late. I am depressed about all of my lack of accomplishments. I fear I have nothing to show for any of my past accomplishments, and I fear a poor legacy after I die. I fear I have no more purpose in life, and that I'm not part of society. I hate the ageism and ableism I've experienced ever since my late-30s.

So, yeah, I've been depressed and dealing with midlife transitions. I may not qualify for the midlife crisis diagnosis, but I feel that middle-aged persons need support in this area. We're not 55+, so we haven't even reached those struggles yet.

I fear menopause. I may be perimenopausal, but I don't know. I have enough medical issues I'm dealing with as it is.

I fear getting heart attacks or strokes. I fear being alone and not having anyone to help me call 911 when I'm having a heart attack or stroke. Both of my parents suffered from heart problems. My father passed away from a heart attack. My mother had a triple-heart bypass a few years back. But they both had family. I'm alone.

I'm depressed because I'm aging alone, and I have no family, no real social capital, no career, no nothing to show for it.