As a survivor of abuse, I've become more and more terrified of relationships. Coming near death a few times, I can't help but wonder about the motives of others when they want to get close to me. I've become paranoid, lost, and alone.

I was silenced, out of fear that I'd die. But honestly, parts of me died anyway. I was never the same afterward.

I cannot even fathom romance when all I think about is whether or not I'd be strangled to death, beaten to death, stabbed, or shot. Surviving an abusive relationship didn't free me; I felt forever imprisoned.

And even after I left that abusive relationship, even decades later, I find myself afraid to purchase a home. I wished that I could conceal my name, so that no one could just look it up and find me. More money wasted because of an abuser from the past. I'm still hiding from him and any potential abusers. It costs too much to purchase a house with a concealed name, and it costs too much to purchase constant surveillance and security services. Apartments are somewhat safer in that regard. But I'm never truly safe.

I could never get close. I fear my worst enemies would be the ones closest to me. Or, I fear that my worst enemies would harm the ones closest to me.

So I remain alone and dissatisfied.